I have so many issues in this life that I need to work on...
I still have sooooo much anger towards my ex husband and a few things that happened to me when I was a child. I had just finished my vocal jazz workshop last night driving home when it just hit me, I remember a time when Ty had told me that I just didn’t have what it took to be a great singer, he said a good singer, but not great, so I should just give up music all together (I actually had a horrible teacher in college tell me the same thing).
Of course my self esteem plummeted once again and started thinking I was pond scum again at that time. Well, this was the first time my new jazz teacher or the band heard me and all of them said that I need to record a CD and definitely sing professionally.
Of course I said thank you but in my heart I didn’t believe them and THAT is when it hit me, Ty’s voice came right back into my head and I relived the whole speech. Okay, actually to his credit he heard me sing a couple of years ago and told me how wrong he was…BUT…in my head I only heard the negative comment. WHY, WHY did I listen to him anyway? Where the hell is his music career? I don’t see it anywhere. UGH. I know, I know he had a lot of problems at that time in his life and a way to make himself feel like he was better than anyone was to put me down as much as possible. It’s really sad when someone says something mean and vindictive and that is the thing that sticks with me, not the fun times or the laughter. There are times I think I have a handle on everything and nothing from the past bothers me. THEN there is this trigger that happens and BANG, I start feeling angry again.
It’s really hard to not react in a negative way (eating too much, drinking too much, shopping too much) when having those emotions, I was strong and didn’t react to it, but I just wanted to eat something very sweet to “make me feel better” yeah, like that will make me feel better. I know it won’t. I just need to rise above all those negative comments from my past and know they were made by people that had a lot of issues themselves and I was a good target because I was so naïve and trusting and I can say it now, I had a VICTIM mentality. I also remember a day that I said, I am not going to be a victim anymore. That is that, I will not be taken advantage of, I will not accept things the way they are, I will not be a door mat, I will not be intimidated in doing things I do not want to do, I will stand up for myself when someone says something negative and not accept what they say as truth. This is why now I hold my head up high when I walk and smile and look people in the eyes, I used to look down at the ground and practically jump out of my skin when someone would talk to me. Of course I believe when you look like you have no self esteem that is when certain people will pounce on you, they are predators and know you won’t fight back. Walking tall and looking confident I have NEVER had anyone say anything negative to me or if they did, I didn’t pay any attention to them.
I guess I just needed to write about this. I know I do need to talk to someone about that past. I keep saying I don’t want to dredge all that pain and hurt up again but it comes up any way and that is why I want to cram that pain down with food so I can feel a little numb. I know that I am changing for the better, I am starting to do the things I love, I don’t let people walk on me anymore, of course I’m still sweet and nice but I will be firm, I still have a good job and a paycheck, which I am so thankful for in this day and age, I have a nice little apartment and a crazy little kitty that loves me unconditionally (unless I am late feeding her then that one is up for debate), I have a very open mind about people, I am tolerant of everyone, I love to explore and go to new places and try new things, anyway what I think I am saying is to NEVER sell yourself short, don’t listen to the Simon Cowell’s of the world or ANY NOISY NEGATIVES.
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