It's Finally Raining

I haven't felt like blogging for a while since I've been so busy but I am going to try to be diligent again.

After a month in Seattle with no rain and searing hot temperatures, it has been a challenge living in a city that has no air conditioning. But I didn't whine a bit about it and heroically stayed in my apartment sweltering sitting in front of the fans that were blowing hot air one me (well maybe I did whine quite a bit about it but I am not a hot weather person). My poor cat was also laying around panting (it's so sad to see a cat pant) so I thought I would do the kind thing and put her in the bathtub to cool down (I even had delusions that I would shampoo her and give her a nice bath)...now I need a new shower curtain which has been shredded, she didn't even give me a chance to dry her off, so I had a wet cat dripping wet all over my apartment running wildly from me since she thought I was trying to kill her, it was not a good time, but at least she did cool off a bit. I've learned my lesson on that one.

It was nice though, my neighbor who lives downstairs who listens to Megadeath Heavy metal at full blast at times (although he never plays it after 10:00 o'clock at night), who also has extremely loud wild sex at times too, who is about 7 feet tall and has muscles and tatoos all over him and drives a huge Harley Davidson motorcycle, came upstairs to check on me to make sure I hadn't died in the heat, he even asked if I needed an extra fan, which was really, really nice...although I wouldn't take the chain off the door when I was talking with him which I am sure if he wanted to he could have kicked the door open with no problem. Anyway, it was refreshing to see someone that looks like he murdered hundreds of people to show some kindness. Restored some of my faith in humankind. BUT I have decided in the fall when the air conditoners are actually on sale, I am going to get one for next year even if we have hot weather for only a few weeks out of the year, those few weeks felt like months and months.

LESSONS OF LIFE

Written By Regina Brett, 90 years old - To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me. It is the most-requested column I've ever written." My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more:

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.

2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.

3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.

4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch .

5. Pay off your credit cards every month.

6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.

8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.

9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.

10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.

11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.

12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.

13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.

15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.

16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.

17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.

18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.

19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.

20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.

21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. oday is special.

22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.

23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.

24. The most important sex organ is the brain.

25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.

26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?'

27. Always choose life.

28. Forgive everyone everything.

29. What other people think of you is none of your business.

30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.

31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

32. Don 't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

33. Believe in miracles.

34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.

35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.

36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.

37. Your children get only one childhood.

38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.

39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.

40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's,we'd grab ours back.

41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.

42. The best is yet to come.

43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

44. Yield.

45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift."

I believe that every woman should find a theme song for themselves, memorize it, and always play it in their head while they are walking. Head up, shoulders back, sashay side to side…I see so many women walking down-trodden, their eyes looking at the ground, mumbling answers to people and not looking them in the eyes, never having an opinion about something, having to check with someone else to see if something looks good on them, being afraid to speak up about anything…the list goes on and on.

I feel so sorry for women like that because I used to be a woman like that. It still makes me so mad that someone as outgoing, fun, sparkly, hyper, giggly, flirty, etc. when I was in high school then fell in like (I won’t say love because I really never was in love with him, I loved him and cared for him but I was not IN love with him. I sure as hell wish I had known the difference when I was 21 years old…oh well) with a young man that belonged to a church that women were considered a LOT less than men and their opinions didn’t really count.

I was never physically beaten (at times I wish that would have happened instead because I KNOW that would have woken me up a lot sooner to get out of that relationship, although I would probably be in prison right now for killing him, but hey, free lodging and meals? Hmmmmm) Anyway, Mentally I was constantly put down, the church I went to made me feel extremely inferior, I gained a lot of weight, I could not look anyone in the eye and felt like I didn’t matter. THEN when we moved out here to Seattle, I started to find myself, I bought SARK books which are amazing to feed your self esteem and your soul, I started going to different classes and trying new things. THEN thank god, Ty and I decided to separate, at the time it was devastating to me, I guess I was very comfortable in my own misery.

Now, I am SUCH a different person, I feel like I’ve most of that sparkle back that I had in high school and the beginning of college when I had my punk rock band and loved life to the fullest, but even better now because I know more of who I am and what I want in life and in a man. Soooo, now I try to walk like I have a song playing in my head, shoulders up, head held high, big smile, fast pace, nice eye contact, looking around very aware of my surroundings, I am so happy that I have searched for myself and have finally found ME!!!! (still have a long way to go but I am definitely getting there) I hope you have found yourself too! So what do you think your theme song is?

Not listening to Noisy Negatives

I have so many issues in this life that I need to work on...

I still have sooooo much anger towards my ex husband and a few things that happened to me when I was a child. I had just finished my vocal jazz workshop last night driving home when it just hit me, I remember a time when Ty had told me that I just didn’t have what it took to be a great singer, he said a good singer, but not great, so I should just give up music all together (I actually had a horrible teacher in college tell me the same thing).

Of course my self esteem plummeted once again and started thinking I was pond scum again at that time. Well, this was the first time my new jazz teacher or the band heard me and all of them said that I need to record a CD and definitely sing professionally.

Of course I said thank you but in my heart I didn’t believe them and THAT is when it hit me, Ty’s voice came right back into my head and I relived the whole speech. Okay, actually to his credit he heard me sing a couple of years ago and told me how wrong he was…BUT…in my head I only heard the negative comment. WHY, WHY did I listen to him anyway? Where the hell is his music career? I don’t see it anywhere. UGH. I know, I know he had a lot of problems at that time in his life and a way to make himself feel like he was better than anyone was to put me down as much as possible. It’s really sad when someone says something mean and vindictive and that is the thing that sticks with me, not the fun times or the laughter. There are times I think I have a handle on everything and nothing from the past bothers me. THEN there is this trigger that happens and BANG, I start feeling angry again.

It’s really hard to not react in a negative way (eating too much, drinking too much, shopping too much) when having those emotions, I was strong and didn’t react to it, but I just wanted to eat something very sweet to “make me feel better” yeah, like that will make me feel better. I know it won’t. I just need to rise above all those negative comments from my past and know they were made by people that had a lot of issues themselves and I was a good target because I was so naïve and trusting and I can say it now, I had a VICTIM mentality. I also remember a day that I said, I am not going to be a victim anymore. That is that, I will not be taken advantage of, I will not accept things the way they are, I will not be a door mat, I will not be intimidated in doing things I do not want to do, I will stand up for myself when someone says something negative and not accept what they say as truth. This is why now I hold my head up high when I walk and smile and look people in the eyes, I used to look down at the ground and practically jump out of my skin when someone would talk to me. Of course I believe when you look like you have no self esteem that is when certain people will pounce on you, they are predators and know you won’t fight back. Walking tall and looking confident I have NEVER had anyone say anything negative to me or if they did, I didn’t pay any attention to them.

I guess I just needed to write about this. I know I do need to talk to someone about that past. I keep saying I don’t want to dredge all that pain and hurt up again but it comes up any way and that is why I want to cram that pain down with food so I can feel a little numb. I know that I am changing for the better, I am starting to do the things I love, I don’t let people walk on me anymore, of course I’m still sweet and nice but I will be firm, I still have a good job and a paycheck, which I am so thankful for in this day and age, I have a nice little apartment and a crazy little kitty that loves me unconditionally (unless I am late feeding her then that one is up for debate), I have a very open mind about people, I am tolerant of everyone, I love to explore and go to new places and try new things, anyway what I think I am saying is to NEVER sell yourself short, don’t listen to the Simon Cowell’s of the world or ANY NOISY NEGATIVES.

This is just a test

Just as I am...

Being different. When I was a very little girl, I hated to be different from anyone else. I didn’t want to stand out in any way. If I lost my teeth faster, I would always cover my mouth, I developed faster so always hid my chest, I got taller than anyone so would stoop quite a bit, if I got a boys haircut when all my friends had long curly hair (I would be devastated but of course my mom would want me to have short hair since I had the bad habit of getting gum stuck in my hair and also letting it get really tangled and screaming like I was being murdered when she brushed it out), and we were poor so I had a lot of garage sale clothes from other kids in my neighborhood, so if they recognized their old dress or clothes, I was teased about it which would devastate me. BUT when I was in high school I realized that I didn’t like to be the same as everyone else. I wanted to stand out, to be recognized as being an individual. I was really into New Wave and Punk Rock and had a long “rat tail” that I would dye different colors, wear lots of wild makeup, I would wear clothes with safety pins all over them, dressed like Molly Ringwald in Pretty in Pink but sometimes would wear spiked collars or bracelets with huge earrings while wearing my Pretty Pink dress and army boots. I would not let myself be in a clique and made sure I did not own a pair of khaki pants. I also started a Punk Rock band and had the best time ever, every day laughing, smiling being friends with EVERYONE in EVERY clique (I did not have the Punk Rock attitude, just the clothes and the music). THEN my self esteem issues got in the way, things took a nose dive, I began to be scared if I stood out again. I let people make me feel embarrassed that I liked certain things and started to feel ashamed when I didn’t just like cool trendy things. HOW did I lose myself like that???

I am SLOWLY Getting it back and am finding myself every day. The point is, it has been liberating to wear what I want and NOT CARE what anyone thinks. It has been liberating to not fall for any kind of manipulation or guilt trips to do what someone else wants me to do and stand up for ME and be strong about that decision. It has been liberating to say what I think and not have a panic attack to think that I sounded like a DORK. SO WHAT??? I have learned to EMBRACE my dorkiness, even though I usually don’t fit in with most of the people that like the same things I do, it just doesn’t stop me from liking it. Yes, I love paranormal things, ghost hunting, scary and horror movies, paranormal reality shows, etc; I also love Renaissance Faires; The Lord of the Rings Trilogy; Opera; sparkly pink; feather boas; The Bee Gees; 80s music; The Clash; The Dead Kennedy's; cats; romance; Wuthering Heights; Jane Eyre; Sense and Sensibility; Back to the Future Trilogy; Funny KungFu movies; Spongebob; 1970s Mod; ladybugs; looking at stars through a telescope; Musicals; singing in the rain; film noir; men who are sweet and nice (not looking for the bad boy); Gregorian Chants; old movies from the 20s, 30s and 40s; going to the zoo when it’s raining; All the HARRY POTTER books, Twilight books; I really could let this list go on forever but my tastes are extremely varied. I just think it’s important to love the things that you love and DON’T let anyone make you feel embarrassed or inferior if you like something that is different. JUST be yourself and if people really like me they will accept me, Just As I Am…

Size Doesn't matter...in SOME cases...

I was talking to a coworker of mine today about losing weight, clothing sizes, getting healthy and exercise, etc. She said something to me that made me almost choke, but I remained composed and kept my opinions to myself. She was talking about her clothing size and said she usually wore a size 16 - I KNEW that she must be in some serious denial because there is no way her butt could fit into a size 16, she was easily a size 22 or 24. I have come to terms with the size of my clothes, I like to wear things that fit me, no matter what size I am, I hope to keep seeing my clothes size shrink but right now, I am not in denial. I have known other women like my friend, they cannot come to terms that they are wearing a very large size and usually say things like, I don't know why this tag says a size 24, it must be made big, I have one of my friends that cuts the tags out of her clothes so she doesn't have to see it. Society has made anything over a size ZERO an embarrassing bad thing. I don't care for the size of my body right now but I am not embarrassed by it, if people don't like the way I look, they can kiss my big butt and look someplace else. I believe a woman or a man should love themselves no matter what they weigh, wear clothes that fit and look good on them (not squeeze themselves into something that is 4 sizes too small just because they KNOW they can still wear that size), live life to the fullest and to not care what other people think. I believe that REAL women have curves and if men don't appreciate them, those men are Shallow Hal losers and don't deserve to be with you.

Anyway, I just wish people would be true with themselves and even if you are not happy with the way your body looks, know that you can take steps to change it and get healthier, don't hate it along the way, there are a lot of people out there that would love to have a good working body no matter what size it is. Well, I think I'm just rambling now, I've been sick for a few days and it is funny one of the first things I thought of was...After I am well, I can' t wait to see how much weight I've lost after this stomach flu...that's screwed up thinking...sigh.

Thankful

This was sent to me by someone on an e-mail list I am on. There are a lot of times I take so many things in my life for granted. Although there are a lot of things I wish I had (I won't go down my list of things) but I really need to be thankful for what I have...

A blind boy sat on the steps of a building with a hat by his feet. He held up a sign which said: 'I am blind, please help.' There were only a few coins in the hat.

A man was walking by. He took a few coins from his pocket and dropped them into the hat. He then took the sign, turned it around, and wrote some words. He put the sign back so that everyone who walked by would see the new words.

Soon the hat began to fill up. A lot more people were giving money to the blind boy. That afternoon the man who had changed the sign came to see how things were. The boy recognized his footsteps and asked, 'Were you the one who changed my sign this morning? What did you write?' The man said, 'I only wrote the truth. I said what you said but in a different way.' What he had written was: 'Today is a beautiful day and I cannot see it.' Do you think the first sign and the second sign were saying the same thing?

Of course both signs told people the boy was blind. But the first sign simply said the boy was blind. The second sign told people they were so lucky that they were not blind. Should we be surprised that the second sign was more effective? Moral of the Story: Be thankful for what you have. Be creative. Be innovative. Think differently and positively.Invite others towards good with wisdom. Live life with no excuse and love with no regrets.. When life gives you a 100 reasons to cry, show life that you have 1000 reasons to smile. Face your past without regret. Handle your present with confidence. Prepare for the future without fear. Keep the faith and drop the fear.

Great men say, 'Life has to be an incessant process of repair and reconstruction, of discarding evil and developing goodness…. In the journey of life, if you want to travel without fear, you must have the ticket of a good conscience.' The most beautiful thing is to see a person smiling…And even more beautiful is, knowing that you are the reason behind it!!!

Valentine's Day

I really am lucky

It seems every time I turn on the TV more and more companies are laying off people. God, I hope this stimulous package that was just passed actually works quickly. The hospital I worked for laid off quite a few people, amazingly enough they started at the top, laying off 4 Vice Presidents then 22 Director positions, then of course they didn't have any work for their assistants and the assistants assistants to do, so they were let go too. More people were let go today...it is really scary.

I was recently moved to a position that I really didn't want, but they said I was the best qualified for it and if I didn't take it one of my coworkers might be let go and I know that they all want to be recruiters one day, but I don't. It's actually a very good job, extremely busy work, lots of responsibility, great boss, great coworkers, still in HR working in benefits and compensation and I am damn lucky to still have a job. I don't know what I would do if I was laid off, there are just no jobs out there and the ones I would be applying for I would be up against hundreds and hundreds of applicants. So to that degree I am happy that I am still working, I am just really going to miss my coworkers that I have now and really miss my Manager. He makes life so much more fun. Oh well, it is kind of strange that I finally went back to my maiden name and then all of a sudden I have a new job now, it's like the universe is telling me that I need a new start in life and change my life completely.

I really do have to give myself a little break. I need to remember that I am just starting out on this and I am bound to make mistakes, it's okay to make mistakes. I have a tough time with that, I feel like I want to be perfect right in the beginning. sigh. Change is scary. I remember when I started in the position I have now, I never thought I would figure it out, and now it's old hat to me. So I just have to take a deep breath and know that eventually I will get it and I'm sure I will grow to love it or at least like it. So like I said, I am grateful that I still have a job with benefits because I know so many others don't right now. I'll stop complaining and being upset over it. There is nothing I can do about it now so I just need to accept it and make it my own and learn as I go.

It is raining snow outside now. Lots of big wet snowflakes, it looks like it's sticking a bit but not too bad. I hope it's an easy commute in the morning...