It's Finally Raining

I haven't felt like blogging for a while since I've been so busy but I am going to try to be diligent again.

After a month in Seattle with no rain and searing hot temperatures, it has been a challenge living in a city that has no air conditioning. But I didn't whine a bit about it and heroically stayed in my apartment sweltering sitting in front of the fans that were blowing hot air one me (well maybe I did whine quite a bit about it but I am not a hot weather person). My poor cat was also laying around panting (it's so sad to see a cat pant) so I thought I would do the kind thing and put her in the bathtub to cool down (I even had delusions that I would shampoo her and give her a nice bath)...now I need a new shower curtain which has been shredded, she didn't even give me a chance to dry her off, so I had a wet cat dripping wet all over my apartment running wildly from me since she thought I was trying to kill her, it was not a good time, but at least she did cool off a bit. I've learned my lesson on that one.

It was nice though, my neighbor who lives downstairs who listens to Megadeath Heavy metal at full blast at times (although he never plays it after 10:00 o'clock at night), who also has extremely loud wild sex at times too, who is about 7 feet tall and has muscles and tatoos all over him and drives a huge Harley Davidson motorcycle, came upstairs to check on me to make sure I hadn't died in the heat, he even asked if I needed an extra fan, which was really, really nice...although I wouldn't take the chain off the door when I was talking with him which I am sure if he wanted to he could have kicked the door open with no problem. Anyway, it was refreshing to see someone that looks like he murdered hundreds of people to show some kindness. Restored some of my faith in humankind. BUT I have decided in the fall when the air conditoners are actually on sale, I am going to get one for next year even if we have hot weather for only a few weeks out of the year, those few weeks felt like months and months.

LESSONS OF LIFE

Written By Regina Brett, 90 years old - To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me. It is the most-requested column I've ever written." My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more:

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.

2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.

3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.

4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch .

5. Pay off your credit cards every month.

6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.

8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.

9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.

10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.

11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.

12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.

13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.

15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.

16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.

17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.

18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.

19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.

20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.

21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. oday is special.

22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.

23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.

24. The most important sex organ is the brain.

25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.

26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?'

27. Always choose life.

28. Forgive everyone everything.

29. What other people think of you is none of your business.

30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.

31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

32. Don 't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

33. Believe in miracles.

34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.

35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.

36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.

37. Your children get only one childhood.

38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.

39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.

40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's,we'd grab ours back.

41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.

42. The best is yet to come.

43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

44. Yield.

45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift."

I believe that every woman should find a theme song for themselves, memorize it, and always play it in their head while they are walking. Head up, shoulders back, sashay side to side…I see so many women walking down-trodden, their eyes looking at the ground, mumbling answers to people and not looking them in the eyes, never having an opinion about something, having to check with someone else to see if something looks good on them, being afraid to speak up about anything…the list goes on and on.

I feel so sorry for women like that because I used to be a woman like that. It still makes me so mad that someone as outgoing, fun, sparkly, hyper, giggly, flirty, etc. when I was in high school then fell in like (I won’t say love because I really never was in love with him, I loved him and cared for him but I was not IN love with him. I sure as hell wish I had known the difference when I was 21 years old…oh well) with a young man that belonged to a church that women were considered a LOT less than men and their opinions didn’t really count.

I was never physically beaten (at times I wish that would have happened instead because I KNOW that would have woken me up a lot sooner to get out of that relationship, although I would probably be in prison right now for killing him, but hey, free lodging and meals? Hmmmmm) Anyway, Mentally I was constantly put down, the church I went to made me feel extremely inferior, I gained a lot of weight, I could not look anyone in the eye and felt like I didn’t matter. THEN when we moved out here to Seattle, I started to find myself, I bought SARK books which are amazing to feed your self esteem and your soul, I started going to different classes and trying new things. THEN thank god, Ty and I decided to separate, at the time it was devastating to me, I guess I was very comfortable in my own misery.

Now, I am SUCH a different person, I feel like I’ve most of that sparkle back that I had in high school and the beginning of college when I had my punk rock band and loved life to the fullest, but even better now because I know more of who I am and what I want in life and in a man. Soooo, now I try to walk like I have a song playing in my head, shoulders up, head held high, big smile, fast pace, nice eye contact, looking around very aware of my surroundings, I am so happy that I have searched for myself and have finally found ME!!!! (still have a long way to go but I am definitely getting there) I hope you have found yourself too! So what do you think your theme song is?

Not listening to Noisy Negatives

I have so many issues in this life that I need to work on...

I still have sooooo much anger towards my ex husband and a few things that happened to me when I was a child. I had just finished my vocal jazz workshop last night driving home when it just hit me, I remember a time when Ty had told me that I just didn’t have what it took to be a great singer, he said a good singer, but not great, so I should just give up music all together (I actually had a horrible teacher in college tell me the same thing).

Of course my self esteem plummeted once again and started thinking I was pond scum again at that time. Well, this was the first time my new jazz teacher or the band heard me and all of them said that I need to record a CD and definitely sing professionally.

Of course I said thank you but in my heart I didn’t believe them and THAT is when it hit me, Ty’s voice came right back into my head and I relived the whole speech. Okay, actually to his credit he heard me sing a couple of years ago and told me how wrong he was…BUT…in my head I only heard the negative comment. WHY, WHY did I listen to him anyway? Where the hell is his music career? I don’t see it anywhere. UGH. I know, I know he had a lot of problems at that time in his life and a way to make himself feel like he was better than anyone was to put me down as much as possible. It’s really sad when someone says something mean and vindictive and that is the thing that sticks with me, not the fun times or the laughter. There are times I think I have a handle on everything and nothing from the past bothers me. THEN there is this trigger that happens and BANG, I start feeling angry again.

It’s really hard to not react in a negative way (eating too much, drinking too much, shopping too much) when having those emotions, I was strong and didn’t react to it, but I just wanted to eat something very sweet to “make me feel better” yeah, like that will make me feel better. I know it won’t. I just need to rise above all those negative comments from my past and know they were made by people that had a lot of issues themselves and I was a good target because I was so naïve and trusting and I can say it now, I had a VICTIM mentality. I also remember a day that I said, I am not going to be a victim anymore. That is that, I will not be taken advantage of, I will not accept things the way they are, I will not be a door mat, I will not be intimidated in doing things I do not want to do, I will stand up for myself when someone says something negative and not accept what they say as truth. This is why now I hold my head up high when I walk and smile and look people in the eyes, I used to look down at the ground and practically jump out of my skin when someone would talk to me. Of course I believe when you look like you have no self esteem that is when certain people will pounce on you, they are predators and know you won’t fight back. Walking tall and looking confident I have NEVER had anyone say anything negative to me or if they did, I didn’t pay any attention to them.

I guess I just needed to write about this. I know I do need to talk to someone about that past. I keep saying I don’t want to dredge all that pain and hurt up again but it comes up any way and that is why I want to cram that pain down with food so I can feel a little numb. I know that I am changing for the better, I am starting to do the things I love, I don’t let people walk on me anymore, of course I’m still sweet and nice but I will be firm, I still have a good job and a paycheck, which I am so thankful for in this day and age, I have a nice little apartment and a crazy little kitty that loves me unconditionally (unless I am late feeding her then that one is up for debate), I have a very open mind about people, I am tolerant of everyone, I love to explore and go to new places and try new things, anyway what I think I am saying is to NEVER sell yourself short, don’t listen to the Simon Cowell’s of the world or ANY NOISY NEGATIVES.

This is just a test

Just as I am...

Being different. When I was a very little girl, I hated to be different from anyone else. I didn’t want to stand out in any way. If I lost my teeth faster, I would always cover my mouth, I developed faster so always hid my chest, I got taller than anyone so would stoop quite a bit, if I got a boys haircut when all my friends had long curly hair (I would be devastated but of course my mom would want me to have short hair since I had the bad habit of getting gum stuck in my hair and also letting it get really tangled and screaming like I was being murdered when she brushed it out), and we were poor so I had a lot of garage sale clothes from other kids in my neighborhood, so if they recognized their old dress or clothes, I was teased about it which would devastate me. BUT when I was in high school I realized that I didn’t like to be the same as everyone else. I wanted to stand out, to be recognized as being an individual. I was really into New Wave and Punk Rock and had a long “rat tail” that I would dye different colors, wear lots of wild makeup, I would wear clothes with safety pins all over them, dressed like Molly Ringwald in Pretty in Pink but sometimes would wear spiked collars or bracelets with huge earrings while wearing my Pretty Pink dress and army boots. I would not let myself be in a clique and made sure I did not own a pair of khaki pants. I also started a Punk Rock band and had the best time ever, every day laughing, smiling being friends with EVERYONE in EVERY clique (I did not have the Punk Rock attitude, just the clothes and the music). THEN my self esteem issues got in the way, things took a nose dive, I began to be scared if I stood out again. I let people make me feel embarrassed that I liked certain things and started to feel ashamed when I didn’t just like cool trendy things. HOW did I lose myself like that???

I am SLOWLY Getting it back and am finding myself every day. The point is, it has been liberating to wear what I want and NOT CARE what anyone thinks. It has been liberating to not fall for any kind of manipulation or guilt trips to do what someone else wants me to do and stand up for ME and be strong about that decision. It has been liberating to say what I think and not have a panic attack to think that I sounded like a DORK. SO WHAT??? I have learned to EMBRACE my dorkiness, even though I usually don’t fit in with most of the people that like the same things I do, it just doesn’t stop me from liking it. Yes, I love paranormal things, ghost hunting, scary and horror movies, paranormal reality shows, etc; I also love Renaissance Faires; The Lord of the Rings Trilogy; Opera; sparkly pink; feather boas; The Bee Gees; 80s music; The Clash; The Dead Kennedy's; cats; romance; Wuthering Heights; Jane Eyre; Sense and Sensibility; Back to the Future Trilogy; Funny KungFu movies; Spongebob; 1970s Mod; ladybugs; looking at stars through a telescope; Musicals; singing in the rain; film noir; men who are sweet and nice (not looking for the bad boy); Gregorian Chants; old movies from the 20s, 30s and 40s; going to the zoo when it’s raining; All the HARRY POTTER books, Twilight books; I really could let this list go on forever but my tastes are extremely varied. I just think it’s important to love the things that you love and DON’T let anyone make you feel embarrassed or inferior if you like something that is different. JUST be yourself and if people really like me they will accept me, Just As I Am…

Size Doesn't matter...in SOME cases...

I was talking to a coworker of mine today about losing weight, clothing sizes, getting healthy and exercise, etc. She said something to me that made me almost choke, but I remained composed and kept my opinions to myself. She was talking about her clothing size and said she usually wore a size 16 - I KNEW that she must be in some serious denial because there is no way her butt could fit into a size 16, she was easily a size 22 or 24. I have come to terms with the size of my clothes, I like to wear things that fit me, no matter what size I am, I hope to keep seeing my clothes size shrink but right now, I am not in denial. I have known other women like my friend, they cannot come to terms that they are wearing a very large size and usually say things like, I don't know why this tag says a size 24, it must be made big, I have one of my friends that cuts the tags out of her clothes so she doesn't have to see it. Society has made anything over a size ZERO an embarrassing bad thing. I don't care for the size of my body right now but I am not embarrassed by it, if people don't like the way I look, they can kiss my big butt and look someplace else. I believe a woman or a man should love themselves no matter what they weigh, wear clothes that fit and look good on them (not squeeze themselves into something that is 4 sizes too small just because they KNOW they can still wear that size), live life to the fullest and to not care what other people think. I believe that REAL women have curves and if men don't appreciate them, those men are Shallow Hal losers and don't deserve to be with you.

Anyway, I just wish people would be true with themselves and even if you are not happy with the way your body looks, know that you can take steps to change it and get healthier, don't hate it along the way, there are a lot of people out there that would love to have a good working body no matter what size it is. Well, I think I'm just rambling now, I've been sick for a few days and it is funny one of the first things I thought of was...After I am well, I can' t wait to see how much weight I've lost after this stomach flu...that's screwed up thinking...sigh.

Thankful

This was sent to me by someone on an e-mail list I am on. There are a lot of times I take so many things in my life for granted. Although there are a lot of things I wish I had (I won't go down my list of things) but I really need to be thankful for what I have...

A blind boy sat on the steps of a building with a hat by his feet. He held up a sign which said: 'I am blind, please help.' There were only a few coins in the hat.

A man was walking by. He took a few coins from his pocket and dropped them into the hat. He then took the sign, turned it around, and wrote some words. He put the sign back so that everyone who walked by would see the new words.

Soon the hat began to fill up. A lot more people were giving money to the blind boy. That afternoon the man who had changed the sign came to see how things were. The boy recognized his footsteps and asked, 'Were you the one who changed my sign this morning? What did you write?' The man said, 'I only wrote the truth. I said what you said but in a different way.' What he had written was: 'Today is a beautiful day and I cannot see it.' Do you think the first sign and the second sign were saying the same thing?

Of course both signs told people the boy was blind. But the first sign simply said the boy was blind. The second sign told people they were so lucky that they were not blind. Should we be surprised that the second sign was more effective? Moral of the Story: Be thankful for what you have. Be creative. Be innovative. Think differently and positively.Invite others towards good with wisdom. Live life with no excuse and love with no regrets.. When life gives you a 100 reasons to cry, show life that you have 1000 reasons to smile. Face your past without regret. Handle your present with confidence. Prepare for the future without fear. Keep the faith and drop the fear.

Great men say, 'Life has to be an incessant process of repair and reconstruction, of discarding evil and developing goodness…. In the journey of life, if you want to travel without fear, you must have the ticket of a good conscience.' The most beautiful thing is to see a person smiling…And even more beautiful is, knowing that you are the reason behind it!!!

Valentine's Day

I really am lucky

It seems every time I turn on the TV more and more companies are laying off people. God, I hope this stimulous package that was just passed actually works quickly. The hospital I worked for laid off quite a few people, amazingly enough they started at the top, laying off 4 Vice Presidents then 22 Director positions, then of course they didn't have any work for their assistants and the assistants assistants to do, so they were let go too. More people were let go today...it is really scary.

I was recently moved to a position that I really didn't want, but they said I was the best qualified for it and if I didn't take it one of my coworkers might be let go and I know that they all want to be recruiters one day, but I don't. It's actually a very good job, extremely busy work, lots of responsibility, great boss, great coworkers, still in HR working in benefits and compensation and I am damn lucky to still have a job. I don't know what I would do if I was laid off, there are just no jobs out there and the ones I would be applying for I would be up against hundreds and hundreds of applicants. So to that degree I am happy that I am still working, I am just really going to miss my coworkers that I have now and really miss my Manager. He makes life so much more fun. Oh well, it is kind of strange that I finally went back to my maiden name and then all of a sudden I have a new job now, it's like the universe is telling me that I need a new start in life and change my life completely.

I really do have to give myself a little break. I need to remember that I am just starting out on this and I am bound to make mistakes, it's okay to make mistakes. I have a tough time with that, I feel like I want to be perfect right in the beginning. sigh. Change is scary. I remember when I started in the position I have now, I never thought I would figure it out, and now it's old hat to me. So I just have to take a deep breath and know that eventually I will get it and I'm sure I will grow to love it or at least like it. So like I said, I am grateful that I still have a job with benefits because I know so many others don't right now. I'll stop complaining and being upset over it. There is nothing I can do about it now so I just need to accept it and make it my own and learn as I go.

It is raining snow outside now. Lots of big wet snowflakes, it looks like it's sticking a bit but not too bad. I hope it's an easy commute in the morning...

Age is just a number

They say that this day and age being in your 40s is like being in your 30s. I still feel like I'm in my 30s, so yes, I believe this...that is until today.

I had been inputting some data in our system and could not believe all the people we have hired who were born in 1984 (this was the year I graduated high school), so I started feeling a little less young for some reason and began to remember when I thought 40 was old. Then I was helping a young man fill out his application on-line in our lobby where the computers are, he was probably in his early 20s (as he kept calling me MAM - a**hole) anyway, there was another man that started talking that sounded like Ricardo Montalbon (sp) when I was helping this young guy I had just mentioned - wow that guy sounds like Ricardo Montalban - he just looks at me blankly and says, isn't he the old guy from that old movie called the Wrath of Kahn? - I said yes, but he is most famous for his time on Fantasy Island - he looks at me again and said (very serious) You mean that old guy was in a porno???? I said NO, Fantasy Island was a family show when I was young, it was very popular. He then said, it still sounds like a porno title to me. - So, after that I really wanted to delete his resume and application on-line but that might be a little unethical. Oh well...

So, I go back to inputting more data - oh look here - there is someone born in 1985, 1986 and OH MY GOD, 1989?? I go to the recruiter and ask - Since when have we started hiring infants?????? But she reminded me that this person was at least 19 years old (18 is the age that you can work at the hospital where I work). Sigh...it seems like 1989 was just yesterday. It was before I got married and was doomed to a life of misery for 13 years, it was right after I moved back to Kansas CIty after being a nanny in Hackensack, NJ (and after watching that demon child that is when I decided I didn't want to have children - she ruined it for me for life), this was also before 9/11 and it was pretty easy to fly, yes, 1989 it still seems like it was just a year ago. How can it be 2009 already? It just seems time is flying by so fast, pretty soon I'll start seeing 1990 and will probably need some oxygen to go with my walker...

Oh well, I believe in my inward age, I still feel and act young, I still laugh loudly, I listen to loud music (not as much as I used to), I still like movies that teenagers would love (I know that is very sad but I do), I still feel like there is a lot left in my life and it's just going to get better. I am counting on a whole new chapter in my life again and can't wait to see where it goes. Like in the movie Fried Green Tomatoes when the young girls steal a parking space from Kathy Bates who plays Evelyn Couch: Hey! I was waiting for that spot! Girl #1: Face it, lady, we're younger and faster! [Evelyn rear-ends the other car six times] Girl #1: What are you *doing*? Girl #2: Are you *crazy*? Evelyn Couch: Face it, girls, I'm older and I have more insurance.

Too much info on the cell phone

So after my workout tonight (which I think I worked out so hard I lost 5 pounds in one night...okay maybe 3 pounds) I rode the bus home. Now this bus ride is about 45 minutes and it's kind of nice to sit there and relax, read a book, play games on my phone, etc. Tonight a young woman (in her early 20s) sat behind me on the bus talking on her cell phone. I have learned her whole life story as she talked with her mom, her sister, Shirley, her soon to be ex-roommate, and her boyfriend, Sean.

On the phone with mom - whine, whine, whine, whine, whine, whine, can I have a hundred dollars, whine, whine, whine some more - I don't understand why you help out Shirley more than me, it's just blatant that you love her more than you love me, I have tried so hard and you won't even help me out when I need it...whine, whine...whine some more...

On the phone with her sister Shirley - I don't understand why you are such a bitch to me. You should be happy for me that I've found a guy that loves me and wants to take care of me. I don't care if he doesn't have a managers job, he's better than your lowlife husband, at least my Sean is cute. Bitch. Oh by the way, did you want me to watch gabriel this weekend (I am assuming Gabriel is her nephew)? Okay, I will see you on Saturday...don't call me that, you are such a jerkette.

On the phone with her soon to be ex-roommate - oh my god I'm going to miss you so much, are you mad at me for moving out? Please don't be mad at me, are you sure? Are you positive? I feel so bad that I'm leaving you, we have to get together for dinner before I leave...promise, promise? promise? Are you sure you are not mad at me? Do you really hate me? Oh, the house is so cool, the contractor is installing the pole in the bedroom, can you believe it? Oh my gawd it's going to be so sexy to have a stripper pole in the bedroom, I can't wait to use it - so you are sure you aren't mad at me? etc etc

On the phone with boyfriend - oh sean, oh my god sean, you are such a bad boy. I talked to my roommate on the phone, oh my god she is such a bitch, I hate her, I can't wait to move. I know every time you come over there she is flirting with you, god I hate her, she is such a bitch. I can't wait to move in with you, we are going to go at it every single night...oh sean, oh sean, you are so badddddd...

Okay, so that is what I and most of the bus heard on the way home tonight because she was talking like she was deaf. Did I need to hear all of that??? Yes, it was very entertaining and made the time go by fast, but come on people...why would you want the world to know you are a whiney brat that has a stripper pole??? Anyway, I just thought I would share.

25 Random Things about me

A friend of mine on FaceBook asked me to write 25 extremely random things about me and I thought I would also put it on my blog...

1. I love culture and the arts - but also love punk and some pop music and old music from the 1940s.

2. There are some songs I hear that really speak to my soul and move me to tears.

3. I love the rain more than the sunshine at times (unless it rains constantly for days and days and then I need the sun but still stay out of it).

4. Even though my mom drives me crazy, I miss her very much and hate that I live so far away from her although I NEVER want to move back to the midwest.

5. I have an addiction to cheese and almost all milk products.

6. I have a major thing for men with accents - Spanish, Scottish and British are my real downfalls

7. I really have a thing for big strong men although I like any man that can make me laugh. He has to have a great sense of humor.

8. Extremely religious people scare me and anger me.

9. I love British Comedy and can recite a lot of Monty Python movie lines and sketches by heart – Anything with John Cleese; Monty Python, Fawlty Towers, How to Irritate People

10. I would rather sing Opera or Jazz than listen to it

11. I am friggin happy that I am divorced and never want to get married again.

12. I would like more close friends instead of casual friends.

13. I love hanging out with gay men or anyone fun and flamboyant.

14. I remember my first slow dance when I was 14 at a cast party for Finian's Rainbow - It was to Blue Eyes by Elton John with Mark Howard - my major high school crush...

15. I want to go to Europe and experience everything (culture, food, music, pubs, sports, life, love).

16. I love soccer but can’t find many friends who want to go to matches with me.

17. I’m terrified of dying.

18. I love animals and give money to a lot of animal rescue organizations.

19. I can’t watch any movie where an animal dies – I was traumatized by Old Yeller and Bambi and could never watch Lassie because she would always get in trouble…

20. I love scary movies – since I’ve always been afraid of things this is almost like conquering that fear.

21. I love to see and try new things – new friends, new activities, new places, new and different foods.

22. I don’t care how corny I am when I say that I believe and live customer service in any job that I have. It ticks me off when I see rude or mean people in customer service positions.

23. I grew up in an extremely white trash neighborhood and went through a few sad and scary things

24. I love anything about the Paranormal (Although I don't really believe in it and am a skeptic with an open mind) and love going on ghost hunts although I never fit in with most of the people who also like it.

25. I want to be healthy and happy with more and more confidence and never want to care what people think of me or the things I like. So when I get to be a very old lady I don't want to regret ANYTHING that I didn't do.

Joey and Rory

As a lot of you know, I would rather stick forks in my eyes than listen to Country music. There are exceptions to that rule at times but for the most part I've never been a big fan of country music. There was this one show on one of the networks called Can you Duet? It was a music competition for people singing duets. Sometimes I would be flipping through the channels and happen upon the show and like a deer in headlights I would just sit and watch it. THEN I saw this one couple, I think they were from Tennesee sing. They weren't just singing, they were singing to each other and it looked like they forgot there were judges in front of them. I instantly fell in love with this couple, not because of their voices but because of their love for each other. It was just so sweet and so strong, it was really refreshing to see it. I know sometimes I have a hard exterior about love and say it sucks but inside I am a true romantic and hope someday it does happen for me, but for now, I'll just enjoy seeing other people who are truly in love. I think what got me the most was this man. He was a sweet, shy, soft-spoken guy that played the guitar and sang harmony with her. He actually reminded me of what I thought my mom's dad might have been like (except for the singing), he died when I was 5 years old, but the stories that I heard about him falling in love with my grandmother, he just sounded like a very sweet, shy man who was extremely in love with my mom's mom (she died of breast cancer when my mom was a baby) which devastated him and he really didn't want my mom around to remind him of her so they sent her to live with my mom's mom's mother and dad.

ANYWAY, I hope one day I will find that kind of love. Don't really want a sweet shy guy but would like someone that looks at me like I'm the only woman in the world and someone that would throw himself in front of a bullet for me...or something like that. I hope that Joey and Rory's love lasts forever and they are old folks in a nursing home someday that still sing to each other.

The Suicide Bridge in Seattle

Below is an article about the Aurora Bridge, known as the suicide bridge of Seattle. This is a bridge that I drive over almost every day. It's hard to imagine people throwing themselves off of that bridge with concrete and water below it. It's hard to imagine life becoming that unbearable.

My brother committed suicide back in 1987 in St. Joseph, Missouri when he was only 19 years old. He thought life would never get any better for him so he just ended it. He didn't have a terminal illness he just couldn't take the stress he was under. It was a temporary problem with a permanent solution. It took me a long time to forgive him and I know that sounds really bad, but I was so angry at him for being so selfish and taking his life away from all of his family and not being able to see him grow up, maybe get married or have some children...although he did have some mental issues, I thought for sure he would have a good chance at life. He was extremely smart and could have figured out anything on the computer, I think he would have had a really great future in the computer industry especial back in the early 1990s. Every day when I drive over that bridge I think of my brother ending his life and I still miss him a bit. I also think of him when I walk through the Cancer Institute at the hospital I work at and see little children that want to live so bad and I think of Doug and what a good life he did have and how he threw it away like it was nothing.

My best friend lives in San Francisco, she has Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome from being horribly, horribly abused as a child by her parents. I know she has some awful issues and is going through a lot of stressful and scary things right now but she talks about killing herself like she is just going to buy some bread at the store. Like it's no big deal to her. IT just infuriates me and I tell her how mad that makes me, if something happened to her it would just kill me. She is such a beautiful person and she doesn't even have a clue how special she is. I know mental illness is a powerful force and is a sickness and I can't blame them for doing what they think is right at the time. But I love life so much and I want these people to be in my life for as long as possible. If her light goes out it will make my life a lot more dim, maybe that is me being selfish.

Anyway, as the song goes, HOLD ON FOR ONE MORE DAY - it is amazing how much better life can be if you just hold on. It may really suck at times but things ALWAYS get better. By permanently closing the book of your life it will be so sad to never see what the next chapter would have held. All the new friends that would have been made, new loves, new adventures, new surroundings, new jobs, maybe a new city - life can be changed for the better, it just takes time and patience to get through all the crap. OKAY, enough of my preaching about it. Here is the article about the Aurora Bridge:

Governor seeks money for suicide fence on Aurora Bridge
By DONNA GORDON BLANKINSHIP
The Associated Press
Gov. Christine Gregoire is hoping to take the Aurora Bridge off the list of most popular bridges for committing suicide, by putting $1.4 million in her supplemental budget proposal to begin building an 8-foot suicide-prevention fence on the historic landmark.
More than 40 people are known to have jumped off the bridge in the past decade. Most years, three or four people jump, although nine leapt to their deaths in 2006, tying 1972 as the worst year on record for known suicides from the Aurora Bridge.
The Seattle bridge has the second-highest rate for bridge suicides in the nation, Gregoire said, but doesn't come close to No. 1, San Francisco's Golden Gate Bridge, where about 25 people are known to jump to their deaths each year.
"Installation of an 8-foot suicide-prevention fence with illumination on the Aurora Avenue Bridge will help make the bridge safer and can help prevent suicides," the governor said in budget documents released Tuesday.
She said she plans to put additional dollars in her budget proposal for the 2009-2011 budget period, and estimated the total cost of the project would be $7.5 million.
The half-mile bridge built in 1931 carries state Highway 99 over water at its highest point, 155 feet above the channel connecting Lake Union and the Lake Washington Ship Canal north of downtown. But many jumpers fall on solid ground, sometimes onto a parking lot in a former warehouse district that has morphed into a trendy area full of office buildings, shops and restaurants.
The people who work under the bridge or live in the neighborhood should get the credit for the fence money in the governor's supplemental budget, said Stan Suchan, a spokesman for the Washington Department of Transportation.
"That project largely exists because of community involvement. The community is passionate about this," Suchan said. "I do share their concerns and I'm eager for the project to move forward."
The project is complicated by the bridge's status as a national historic landmark, and by the fact that the steel-truss bridge carries 45,000 vehicles a day on one of the main north-south routes through Seattle and requires careful, frequent safety inspections, he said.
A year ago, his department worked with city officials and suicide-prevention experts to install six emergency phones and 18 signs on the bridge, for suicide deterrence. The signs encourage people to seek help instead of jumping.
Assessing the impact of those measures is not possible, said L.J. Eddy, the head of the Seattle Police Department's hostage negotiation team.
"Nobody can say, 'We saw an increase in calls or a decrease in jumpers,' " Eddy said a month after the phones and signs were installed. "And we can't measure the potential suicide person, who sees the signs and turns around."

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I am so glad that Bush is gone now. I hope it will be a long time before I have to look at his face or listen to him talk again. Every time he was on the news or made a speech, I had to turn the channel, I just could not stand it!! So now we will see what happens. The economy in this country is just getting worse and worse, my friend Sandra who is in the banking business in a very high paying job has been notified that she will probably be losing her job in the next few months. She is pretty distraught because there are no other banks that are hiring. It is sad and amazing how many people are losing their jobs all over America. I just hope President Obama is able to do everything he wants to do without a lot of opposition from politicians who are out of touch with the American people and don't realize how bad it really is.

After watching Obama's inauguration I was truly inspired and motivated. I really believe that things are going to get better, of course I try to be an optimist anyway, but I think with him in power that things are going to change for the better. My mom was even a little inspired (this was a woman who actually thought that when Barack became President, the U.S. would be flushed down the toilet). So, we will see what happens over the next 4 years. I hope the war will be over and there will still be a way to help the people over there, I hope businesses will be hiring people again, I hope for a lot of great things in the future.

President Obama, you have your work cut out for you...

Las Vegas Information

I TRULY DID NOT KNOW THIS!

Las Vegas churches

Accept gamblingChips

THIS MAY COME AS A SURPRISE TO THOSE OF YOU NOT LIVING IN LAS VEGAS , BUT

THERE ARE MORE CATHOLIC CHURCHES THAN CASINOS.

NOT SURPRISINGLY, SOME WORSHIPERS AT SUNDAY SERVICES WILL GIVE CASINO CHIPS RATHER THAN CASH WHEN THE BASKET IS PASSED.

SINCE THEY GET CHIPS FROM MANY DIFFERENT CASINOS, THE CHURCHES HAVE DEVISED A METHOD TO COLLECT THE OFFERINGS..

THE CHURCHES SEND ALL THEIR COLLECTED CHIPS TO A NEARBY FRANCISCAN MONASTERY FOR SORTING AND THEN THE CHIPS ARE TAKEN TO THE CASINOS OF ORIGIN AND CASHED IN.

THIS IS DONE BY THE CHIP MONKS.

YOU DIDN'T EVEN SEE IT COMING DID YOU?

25 signs that you've grown up for good

1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.

2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.

3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.

5. You hear your favorite song in an elevator.

6 You watch the Weather Channel.

7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook up" and "break up."

8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.

9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."

10. You're the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next doorwon't turn down the stereo.

11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.

14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald 's leftovers.

15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

16. You take naps.

17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.

18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset,rather than settle, your stomach.

19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms andpregnancy tests.

20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good shit."

21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.

22. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going todrink that much again."

23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

25. When you find out your friend is pregnant you congratulate them instead of asking "Oh shit, what the hell happened?"

Bonus:26: You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign thatdoesn'tapply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old butt...

My Bloody Valentine

When it comes to most movies, I have to say that I am a bit of a purest and don't care for remakes of a lot of films. There have been exceptions to that rule like Dawn of the Dead, Black Christmas and a few other I just can't think of right now. My Bloody Valentine was a pretty good Canadian movie back in the late 70s. When I heard it was going to be remade, I just shook my head and thought that was one movie I was not going to see but when I found out it was in 3D, I thought it might be fun to check out.

Well some friends and I went to see this last night. I have to say that it was really cool. I wish they would make more movies in 3D, it just really made you feel like you were in the movie. They changed the story around a bit but all in all it was pretty good. They did have a few cheesey 3D effects where they had some things pop out at you, but it wasn't too bad. It's definately a great movie if you have a date or if you just have a group of crazy friends.
It seemed like in the first movie, that briefly you got to know each character in a way, and you either really liked them and it upset you when they died or you were kind of wishing they would get hacked up. I wish they would have done more like that in this newer movie. All you really got to know were the main characters. I still enjoyed it though and with Jensen Ackles playing Tom and Kerr Smith playing Axel - they are both really nice to look at.

Some Great Quotes

Maybe we should develop a Crayola bomb as our next secret weapon. A happiness weapon. A beauty bomb. And every time a crisis developed, we would launch one. It would explode high in the air - explode softly - and send thousands, millions, of little parachutes into the air. Floating down to earth - boxes of Crayolas. And we wouldn't go cheap, either - not little boxes of eight. Boxes of sixty-four, with the sharpener built right in. With silver and gold and copper, magenta and peach and lime, amber and umber and all the rest. And people would smile and get a little funny look on their faces and cover the world with imagination. ~Robert Fulghum



May I, may you, may we not die unlived lives. May we choose to inhabit our days to allow our living to open us, to make us less afraid, more accessible, to loosen our hearts until they become wings, torches, promises. May each of us choose to risk our significance, to live so that what comes to us as seed goes to the next as blossom and so that what comes to us as blossom goes on as fruit. Dawna Markova


Every thought is a seed. If you plant crab apples, don't count on harvesting Golden Delicious. ~Bill Meyer


“When one door of happiness closes, another opens; But often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one that has been opened for us” - Helen Keller


Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye. ~Miss Piggy~

You have to decide what your highest priorities are and have the courage - pleasantly, smilingly, nonapologetically - to say 'no' to other things. And the way to do that is by having a bigger 'yes' burning inside. The enemy of the 'best' is often the 'good.' ~Stephen Covey


If I had been around when Rubens was painting, I would have been revered as a fabulous model. Kate Moss? Well, she would have been the paintbrush. ~Dawn French


If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance. ~Andrea Boydston

Just when the caterpillar thought her world was over....She became a butterfly

Happiness is an attitude. We either make ourselves miserable, or happy and strong. The amount of work is the same. ~Francesca Reigler

The worst loneliness is to not be comfortable with yourself. ~ Mark Twain

People are always blaming their circumstances for what they are. I don't believe in circumstances. The people who get on in this world are the people who get up and look for the circumstances they want, and, if they can't find them, make them. ~G.B. Shaw


Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body,but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming -- WOW-- What a Ride!"

“The greatest barrier to success is the fear of failure.” Sven Goran Eriksson

What you believe has more power than what you dream or wish or hope for. You become what you believe. --Oprah Winfrey

Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover. -Mark Twain

“We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them.” ~ Albert Einstein quote

When you were born, you cried and the world rejoiced. Live your life in such a manner that when you die the world cries and you rejoice. ~Native American saying


“Your success and happiness lies in you. Resolve to keep happy, and your joy and you shall form an invincible host against difficulties.” ~Helen Keller


Orson Welles once said, "My doctor has advised me to give up those intimate little dinners for four, unless, of course, there are three other people eating with me."


Our deepest fear is not that we're inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond all measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. - Marianne Williamson

Become a possibilitarian. No matter how dark things seem to be or actually are, raise your sights and see possibilities - always see them, for they're always there. ~Norman Vincent Peale

To change one's life: Start immediately. Do it flamboyantly. No exceptions. ~William James


“The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, the education, the money, than circumstances, than failure, than successes, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness or skill. It will make or break a company... a church... a home. The remarkable thing is we have a choice everyday regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past... we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude. I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% of how I react to it. And so it is with you... we are in charge of our attitudes.” Charles R. Swindoll

Where the Deer and the Antelope Play...

A friend of mine sent out a picture of antelope in her backyard. She lives in a very remote place in Wyoming. But when I saw this picture it kind of took me back to an extremely memorable summer when I was younger.

When I was around 12 years old, I spent the summer with my neighbor and her friend at her friends cabin right outside of Colorado spings up in the mountains. It was the cutest house you ever did see. It had this babbling brook around it with a gated entrance that said Swiss Chalet. The house was kind of small painted white, but had mountain scenes painted all around it. On the house were painted deer, antelope, mountains, it looked like a postcard. Her father had painted the house back in the 1930s and he kept it up until his death in 1974. Behind the house were two pretty large mountain/hills. Anyway, in the back yard she had some hammocks set up (there were no neighbors anywhere for miles and miles) and I went out one night and fell asleep in the hammock. I remember waking up the next morning, it had just turned light outside and there was a very light fog around me. Stepping out of the fog and coming towards me were a whole herd of deer. I just laid there while they all just ate grass around me, it is still etched in my memory so clear. Even when I moved to get up they didn't move at all. They told me that the deer on her land are protected and they have lived for decades without really being around people. I couldn't imagine that this day and age but 30 years ago, it was probably true. Of course when I tried to pet one they wouldn't stand for that and all ran away, but it was incredible. I think it was so magical because I knew they were wild. I have never seen anything like that again, just in the zoo or at a nature preserve, but nothing like that.

One funny note about that trip (actually it's not that funny but to me with a warped sense of humor, it was really funny). The reason my neighbor's friend wanted to go up to her parents house (she hadn't been there in a while which was evident with the hundreds of mice that were running around that we had to set traps for and dispose of - very traumatic for a sensitve 12 year old) anyway, it was around 1977 and her father had died in 74 and her mother and just recently died at that time (okay this is not the funny part I don't want you to think I'm that crazy warped). Well, she had brought her mother to Kansas City to put her in a nursing home so after she died, she had both her parents ashes in the car in two little silver, metal box earns with no writing on them. Her plan was to sprinkle their ashes on top of one of the little mountains in back of their house. Well, she didn't tell that plan to us until later. One morning my neighbor Ruthie - who reminds me a lot of Ruth Gordon that played Minnie Castevet in Rosemary's baby - just a little over dramatic over the top personality...anyhoo, she and I got up for breakfast one morning and she said she was going to make us some hot cocoa. I heard her in the kitchen grunting and groaning and struggling with something when her friend Bea walked in the kitchen and screamed - RUTHIE, What are you doing with my mom's ashes????? Ruthie screams and says - WHAT??? I thought it was hot cocoa - OH MY GOD, I almost drank your mother! - At first Bea was horrified but then we are started laughing so hard (of course me being 12 years old made it a LOT more funny and I had to call my mom instantly and tell her what happened). I'm still laughing about it this morning.

I know, I'm crazy...hee hee hee

A New Year...Already?

2009 - I'm 6 days into the year now and it's still hard for me to accept. Time is flying by so quickly and it just seems to go faster the older I get. What happened to my 20's? Where are my 30's? Now I'm 3 years into my 40s and it just doesn't seem possible. According to my life plan that I wrote when I was in high school, by now I am suppose to be a famous Opera singer living in Tuscany, married to one of Placido Domingo's sons with lots of servants, parties every weekend (with lots of famous people of course), world traveler, millions of adoring fans and a couple of tiny dogs I dress up in little costumes (this is why I do not have dogs or they would be dressed up in little outfits). Anyway, I feel like I haven't even started living until I turned 40. Like all those years before were just practice and now THESE are the real years. So what if I'm not famous or have a lot of money. I'm not dead yet and I may have forsaken Opera but my Jazz days are starting up and ready to go. Maybe I won't be world famous but I might be able to at least make a name for myself in Seattle. Who knows. I'm starting to believe that it really is the QUALITY of life and not the quantity. I haven't been doing a lot of living this last year and really need to live each day like it's my last. I'm going to look into taking more fun classes, an Improvisation class, a film class, a dance class, drama classes, writing courses, etc. I want to meet more people and have little dinner parties, find a nice man that likes Funny Kung Fu movies and scary movies (you would think that most men would like these movies but every single man I have dated has not liked horror movies). Anyway, 2009 is going to be my year of good health and change. I want to be the person I was meant to be, I want to make sure I do what I want and not care what people think about me.

I want 2009 to be the beginning of a new life for me. Pretty soon I'll go back to my maiden name, doing great at losing weight, trying to rev up my exercise...etc.

I also wish a great year to all my friends, all of them in the United States that we will hopefully see a positive change in this country with our new President. I wish their lives will be enriched with love and money too would be nice...

My friend Mike in Edinburgh, hopefully he will be over his manflu now and be feeling much better to be able to enjoy his lovely grandchildren and the rest of his family. Also I hope in this new year his job won't be as stressful and they will get more help in his office.

Also hope my mom stays healthy now and has a good positive year.

Anyway, I have rambled on enough about my life. I am really excited to see what is around the corner and can't wait to experience life to the fullest!!!!